That tree, the ocean, the sunset! It really hits where my heart is today. I went to my bariatric support group today. Because of Covid it is all done through zoom. I let them know how I am really struggling here. I have even started to eat potato chips again! Someone mentioned how they are trying to go back to journaling. So, that is what I did. It has not helped me feel better. But it has helped me recognize where some of my emotions and need to comfort them are coming from. I will share some of my writing. It may be raw, but it is where I am at.
I am feeling hungry. I could barely eat what Tom got me. He made such a huge burrito. I am not as immobile as I used to be I could get up and get my own food. Why am I like this? It is a bad habit that I got myself into because of my knees. I was so good at exercising, but I quit again. I sabotage myself. I know once I get better I won’t hurt so much, I will have to get up and do things. I will have to work. I am scared to do that. I am already responsible for so much. I am the one to maintain what everyone is doing. When Tom is working with Gabe I always am listening, I just do not trust him. I am always waiting to hear something wrong. But, usually, they have been doing better about the chore. But, there have been times where I have had to step in. Nothing serious, but I know Gabe. Gabe would take off outside, Tom would chase after him. It is not worth it, Gabe is fast, Tom would fall down. I yell at Tom to get back here let him go. Gabe always comes back when he calms down. Now, after my surgeries, I need to trust they will be fine when I am working. I will not be here to manage things. Fear sets in. But I also know that I will have to work, make their meals, manage the money, monitor what they are doing, make sure chores are getting done. It all feels like so much, and about all Tom can do is the cleaning and the yard work. Often times that does not get done fully, not unless it is intentional. We did set aside each day he works on a certain room, or outside. If he is focusing on one room he seems to be able to get that room done. I just feel like everything is on me to make sure it gets all done, that people get along. Maybe that is why I need that small chip bag in the evening. Something for me to enjoy. I do not feel like I can enjoy much around here. I have the online groups that I enjoy, that I get support from. My online friends. I do not even get time to study and be with the Lord on my own. I need to be in the living room because Peppa needs me, plus it is cooler in the living room. I need time to just be me, to do what I want, what I need to do. Spend more time with the Lord, and studying His word. How can I do that? What can I do? Tom spends time on the PlayStation, Gabe spends a lot of time on his electronics. Yes I do spend a lot of time on the computer. Tom goes in back and gets his time. But often during that time Gabe and Peppa are needing me. Where is my time, just me? Just me and the Lord?
I am not looking for sympathy, not even really for answers. I am looking for prayers, for understanding. For friends. For someone to just hear me and let me know I am not crazy.